Knee Slappers
Heard a good one lately? Add your (clean) joke to the comment box below (Indie will review it before posting). Or visit the Contact Page and send it on over.
What sort of vision does a cyclops have? 20.
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I just found out that they’re not making yardsticks any longer.
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I’ve been reading a mystery novel written in Braille. Something bad is about to happen—I can just feel it.
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I know a couple of jokes in sign language that nobody’s ever heard.
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My wife and I have decided not to have children. We’re going to tell them later tonight.
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There’s a new movie called “Constipation.” But it hasn’t come out yet.
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A magician was walking down a street and turned into a 7/11.
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At first I couldn’t figure out why the ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
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I just went and saw a child psychologist. The kid had no idea what he was talking about.
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How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one—but the bulb must really want to change.
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What do you call a magician who has lost his magic? Ian.
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What is the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.
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What’s blue and not very heavy? Light blue.
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Where do bad rainbows go? To prism. It’s only a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
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Whenever my kids are too wild, I use a nice, safe playpen. After they calm down, I climb out. — Erma Bombeck
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Once they do, I plan to move in with them. — Phyllis Diller
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It’s not easy being a mom. If it were, fathers would do it. — Betty White
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How can you tell if you run out of invisible ink?
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If you’re planning to shoot a mime, be sure to use a silencer.
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My neighbor’s water supply was cut off by the city. I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
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A psychic was fired from his job at the police department. He never saw it coming.
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They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now!
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Birthdays are like boogers. The more you have, the harder it is to breathe.
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The doctor said jogging would add years to my life. He was right. I feel ten years older already.
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My therapist told me I had trouble letting go of the past. I’ll never forgive him for it.
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A man just got a job designing mazes. Now he’s completely lost in his work.
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What do you call a legume that got mugged? Assaulted peanut.
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Have you heard about the guy who was hit in the head with a soda can? He was lucky it was a soft drink. Otherwise, it would have been soda pressing. Thankfully, he was able to get in to see Dr. Pepper, but ended up in jail when he tested positive for Coke.
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Top Five Country Songs:
“You Take the Medicine, I’ll Take the Nurse.”
“She Never Told Me She was a Mime.”
“I’ve Been Flushed from the Bathroom of your Heart.”
“You are the Tornado in the Trailer Park of My Dreams.”
“Thank God (and Greyhound) that You’re Gone.”
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It’s confusing when a joke doesn’t end the way you think it shovel.
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The word “Diputseromneve” sounds stupid. But backwards it’s even more stupid.
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Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
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My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it might be me.
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory. I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
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The other day I asked the banker to check my balance. So she pushed me.
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My bank’s ATM is addicted to money. It’s suffering from withdrawals.
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I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn’t speaking to me.
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Women shouldn’t have children after 35. That’s way too many.
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I told my wife that she’d drawn her eyebrows up too high. She seemed surprised.
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I just found out that I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
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A surgeon accidentally amputated a guy’s entire left side. But he’s all right now.
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I was going to get a brain transplant. Then I changed my mind.
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I used to think I was indecisive. Now I’m not too sure.
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People who use selfie sticks need to take a long look at themselves.
